Thursday, November 15, 2012

Weight limit exceeded...

I have a theory. After having a baby you can use your "get out of fat free" card for so long. My theory consists of pin pointed time periods and ridiculous over exaggerated excuses.

Warning: this is total self loathing bullshit that helps only you get through the day...

The day you give birth:   The day you give birth will always be joyous. That extra 30 to 80 pounds you have gained is jello down a pot hole after you see your precious babies squishy little face. Your first shower can be joyous, and leave you feeling refreshed and ready for new mommy hood (or returning).I mean lets face it, when that sweet little angel blessing comes out, so does some pretty nasty shit. But in my own experience, no matter how great you feel, you should never look in the mirror or step on a scale. For some god awful reason, that 8 pound baby, 7 pound placenta, and 10 pounds of water and BS may have left your body.! And the scale says you have only lost 4 pounds! How is this possible?!!!! Is this republican math?
 MOMMY EXCUSE: swelling!! You can blame it on swelling for at least a month, a c-section may even buy you 3... its hard work giving birth!

3 months a mommy:    Most of you have been sitting at home enjoying a maternity leave for about 3 months. The weight may be packing on and breast feeding just wasn't for you. No matter what anyone tells me, I remember scarfing down 2 egg sandwiches with a leach attached to my breast. (That scary moment when you hope you don't drop egg yolk on your offspring's head is never graceful..)
 MOMMY EXCUSE: "I have been stuck in the house and getting no sleep. How many hours do YOU get a night??! I am going on a total of 6 in 3 days!!! I am way too tired for exercise and need to get back to working and having a purpose before I can shed my baby weight! Plus.. I wear yoga pants everyday... "

6 months a mommy:      Things are finally getting back into a groove. You are enjoying your baby and may have even shed a few of those extra pounds. In all reality you probably wouldn't notice a difference anyway because you are still rocking those yoga pants and your boobs have gotten a little smaller...  But remnants still linger...
MOMMY EXCUSE: "I  finally get to sit down and enjoy a good meal. But unfortunately, I can not go out very often, I am a mother! Finding time to exercise is just as much work as actually doing it." It is also helpful to point out what a change balancing work and mommyhood is. Thus the reason you just cant shake your extra happy weight. (Csection mommies, dont forget to explain to others how they cut through your core muscles to pull out that baby with the giant head. )

1 to3 years of mommy-ness: This is the hardest time to make excuses for your weight, you have had ample time to make some changes in your lifestyle. You finally broke down and bought bigger pants and simply forget what it was like to be your normal self. There comes a point in time in life when all women must stop shopping in the JR'S section, this just may be yours ;)
MOMMY EXCUSE: "My child never eats all their food. I must do my part and save the earth. Cleaning up whats left on that plate just may be the only civil duty I have time for anymore." Then, immediately start trying for baby number 2 lol.

All laughter aside, I have always struggled with weight and image. No fucking lies, I like me some food. Preferably fried. But after having Grayson, I found myself to be the largest I have ever been! How does it just creep up on you? Thank GOD I found a magic diet full of unhealthy drugs, starvation, and seriously fucking painful shots to the blubber. I lost a quick 20 pounds in just one month  and now its slowly coming back lol. Don't you hate being that person who wishes they were as skinny as they were when they thought they were fat? Diet and exercise will always be the cure all! I could receive at least 20 comments about diet restrictions and exercise plans that will "totally work". But come on guys... I'm fat for a reason, I like food and hate exasperating movement! lol. I do have a dear friend, actually multiple friends, who have tried those "it works wraps" and honestly... they work! Or so I have seen. I know it sounds crazy, but there is magical cure all. Did you not see that I lost 20lbs in one month? (whoo hooo magic white pills!!) So, I am seriously thinking of trying one of these wraps and then blogging the results. I will be also offering one to try for free to one of my lucky blog readers also. For those of you not struggling, THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS! Weight issues in today society are so extreme! And even if you dont have a weight issue, there is always some flaw you see and think is 9 million times larger then it is to others. Kinda like my ass, or ego. Lol so keep reading you all... And I will keep writing while bored at work!  Hope you all enjoyed my fat girl excuses :) Keep on Eatin on ;)  XOxo-h


  1. Its my fault, you lived on hot dogs, happy meals and chicken cutlets as a child, bad full time working mommy! :(

  2. Lol thanks mom.... i think we can go beyond that and blame our genetics lol

  3. Heather you will come to a time in your life where you start to think about your health and extending your life on this planet. It usually happens in your 40's/ Also a time in your life where you start to think more about saving money. I cut out carbs or watch my carbs and have lost 25lbs +. Carbs cutting is really the only way to lose weight and keep it off. Cut out some of your bread or all of it! Adkins does have some meal replacement bars that are good. Carb cutting permanently is what older people do. Exercise will extend your life as well. Since you have a beautiful son I know you think about these things.


If you are here to troll, dont even comment. I will be removing all comments that i see derogratory or un-needed. Thanks, h