Sunday, November 25, 2012

Drinkers remorse...

I always say I will not drink anymore on the day of my hangovers. Why is it the night of all the fun, such blatant drunk ignorance seems so enticing? No matter what anyone says, there should never ever be a reason for an over weight, middle aged, mother to dance in the "club"... or sing "nan nigga" in the car on the way to said club.

Last night was supposed to be just a normal night lol. Me and my bestie didn't even "get ready" and decided to go out and have a few beers for her birthday. Every single year, her birthday gets us in trouble lol. Last year was when we got drunk and she made out with some weird guy from NC. The year before she shut her hand in the car door and called me a whore. The year before that I don't even remember lol. Last night there were many moments of shame for us both.

We started at Clancy's. A normal place for us to go. With in the first 15, we had 2 vodka tonic's and saw a bar fight. Lol what happened to a "few beers"? Now this fight was totally ridiculous and highly amusing. I am pretty sure one of the little guys resorted to kicking an old man in the head. But, I give the old man props, he could handle his own lol. We sat for a while, even butt dialed someone, lol and then started calling to look for more company. And we found some alright lol.

katie and holly

Katie and Holly are two friends I have not gotten to enjoy in a long time. I have seen them separately, but we never seem to all be together at the same time. We picked them both up and reminisced in the car about old times from high school. It was so weird to think of all the hysterically funny shit we did back then. We had no clue we were going to add a new night of immature stupidity to the list of memories...

After a little while at Clancy's Holly called up some friends and 3 guys from the past showed up. Lol We all were drinking and having a great time. And then we got drunk, and were still enjoying our time and laughs. After a while we had to leave and go to the next bar....That is when this got interesting...

retarded photo... wtf??
Badda Bings. Worst bar in bradenton. I seriously think it is like "Plenty of fish" in real life, and at 2 am, when the lights go on, men scatter like cock roaches looking for someone to pick up. Fortunately we were not there long. But i must say, because it was besties birthday, they announced it over the intercom and Katie poured a bucket of ice over her head lol. They wanted to pie her, but i knew she would kill us if we messed up what little make she had on lol.  So we drank, talked to weirdos from the past, and then took a retarded photo lol. It was a little crazy even if it was a blast... until...

Who ever suggested the "cellar" Lol i hate that bar more than badda's. We get there and i am already pretty drunk. The music is blaring, the bar is packed, and we are dancing. Why god WHY, do we think we can dance while wasted in the hood at 1am????? I swear to god, if anyone saw me that night (other than the affiliated people i was with) your best bet would be not to mention anything that happened in that bar. Considering i only remember bits and pieces of this crap, which i am sad i do, i do not what to remember what i blacked out lol.

While at the cellar, and dancing, i obviously had reached my limit. I needed to go home. I called j to come get me, but i had the keys and he had the kids.... I asked bestie to leave like 5 times... she didn't want to go and it was her birthday... I tried to convince one of the others to go home but one of the guys was stuck outside and the rest were enjoying the hood. I was screwed. Finally i got bestie aside and said "I have to go home, NOW"

"I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW" is like me and the besties safe word. She knows if we say that, I'm seriously going to barf, or be in serious trouble. So when i said that, she finally got it and told me to take her car. Luckily i was only like 10 blocks from my house, and i made it home safe.

When i awoke, I was alone in my bed, naked, and had definitely vomited the night before (in the toilette.. i guess that could be pretty gross if i didn't explain lol). The immediate feeling of death crept upon me and I had to get up and do a purse check. Phone? Check. Keys? Check. Card? Check. Camera? ugh.... check...

So I had not lost anything but my self respect, my friends, and one earring. I guess that wasn't that bad. Dealing with the hangover was probably the biggest down fall. And scarfing a hangover cheeseburger.... Ugh... So maybe now that i have my blog, before i go out next time, i can re-read the stupidity of what i did last night. Lol....ouch

 Happy freakin bday bestie lol ....

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Turkey turkey gobble gobble ...dead rat...

Happy turkey day everyone! It has even been some what of a good day for this "miserable" chick ;) Here is a description of turkey day by heather, the potty mouth mommy!

Me and my dad, step mom and brother on turkey day!

Thank god grayson decided to sleep in this morning. Too bad my bff was up at 7am tackling kid toy mountain in her living room. Because she was up so early, and obviously felt accomplished by 10 am, she decided to wake me up. I coulllld have slept til 11, just sayin.

After being woken by the bestie, i went into my little sweeties room and rustled him from under his covers and changed his diaper. Poor little man had a turkey day diaper rash! :( I felt so horrible... after spending 15 minutes searching for rash cream i got him fixed up and fed him some muffins and milk for breakfast. What? Its a holiday, and i was being lazy.

After his breakfast I turned on the parade and he climbed all over me for about 30 minutes until he finally went down for a nap and i sent daddy for pumpkin spice coffee.The 711 pumpkin spice latte is my addiction~!! After chasing down a half of diet pill from my secret left over stash, i was ready to take on the day.

Why is it when you are in a rush, a hot shower is always so addicting? I just didn't want to get out... but it was already 12:15 and i had to rush and get ready if i was going to make it to dads by 1:30. So, I drag my ass through the cold house and into my room to dress myself. This shit is never fun.I try on like 20 shirts, even model some for j. It all looks like shit. Finally i decide on jeans and a sweater. I give up on looking like anything other then a tired mommy lol. Knowing that my step mom wanted us to take pictures today i atleast was going to straighten my hair.

Blow drying took me about 20 minutes. I have like no hair left... so wtf? Why does it always feel like i am standing in my underwear with my head turned upside down for a good part of my day? And people wonder why i never want to get ready to do anything! I am all dry and go to straighten. ::jeopardy theme song:: ... Straightening is in progress and all i can see is static electricity fucking up my straight locks of multicolored hair. When on earth, will i be able to afford to re-highlight? My hair has just been a freaking mess lately. All i can do is try everything i can to get the static down. First try is hair spray.. Nope. Lotion? Kinda.. Face make up that is left on my hands? That is about as good as i was getting it. My hair just seemed to be lacking any appeal though. What if i re-cut my bangs, since they have grown out?  I start snipping away.... OMG.... horible! Why do i do this shit to myself? And why always when i am in a rush?!! I eventually end up clipping them back behind a black flower and finish up with my make up. I am now late. And pissed...

I decide to fix graysons appearance, re-brush my teeth and jump into my bungee corded car. Thank god that shit was over, and i didn't forget my camera! (I always either forget the camera ll together or i leave the memory card in the laptop.. never fucking fails!) At this point it is 145. I am definitely late. Fml. So now i am trying to call my dad and step mom, but no one will answer. Why! I am late! What if i was broke down or injured? I am the last to show up, but all is well.

We have an amazing dinner/lunch at my dads. Turkey, stuffing, ham, potatoes, yam casserole, green bean casserole, bread, and corn. I must say, my step mom did an amazing job. I have never been one to really pig out on turkey day but it was sooo good. Grayson even enjoyed it. Only problem was, grayson was being such a brat lol. He was poking himself with the fork and eating with his hands, and spending the rest of the time playing peekaboo with the fall themed table cloth. Lol. Nothing with a 1 and a half year old is ever easy!  So i barely got to eat. But guess who got to stuff himself? Yep.. Daddy... ASSHOLE! Lol...

After dinner we all sat around and then decided to take some pictures. Why on gods green earth did i even spend any time getting ready when i could not even get on decent picture with my child and j??!! Not only was he running around wildly, but he was soooo exhausted. And j was pretty much doing the same thing. I tried my best to get pictures but was surely disappointed in the results lol. It just never can go smoothly!

After that we drove home. I was so thankful for my wonderful dinner, and my son and j. It definitely felt very moving to look at all i have on thanksgiving. I couldn't ask for more. Well i could, but i wont lol. Dropping j and grayson off broke my heart though. Why oh why must i have to work on turkey day? And I'm not even getting paid time and a half. It really sucks romney balls!

So i drive to work and hear that song "thats something to be proud of" ... It kind of put things into perspective. I have all i do in my life, and it is most definitely something to be proud of. One verse speaks of your minimum wage job putting food on the table for your family. It struck a heart string. Thank god i can provide for my beautiful family, and that most certainly is something to be proud of. We really dont want for much at all, ever. At that moment i unlocked the gate to my work and felt a sense of pride for being there on a holiday. Well at least i did for a few seconds...

I get out of my car, bungee up the door and get out the keys to unlock the office. As soon as i open the door i remember why i had such a horrible wrenching feeling about going to my job. I open the door to the putrid smell of the gross dead rat in the wall. My grief came rushing back. Why today? WHY!!

So now i am sitting here, smelling dead rat, and looking at all the things i wish i could buy on black friday, but will not have the money until payday... next regular friday. I wish i was at home right now counting my hundreds or camping with my family infront of a best buy. Instead... me and dead Ted the rat are chillin in the hood... happy freakin thanksgiving ya'all.... ugh


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The story of july drama mamma's ...

(i did not spell check or proof read..there was just too freakin much... so what you see is what ya get lol )

So from the beginning i knew i would eventually hit the hot topic of "Mommy Boards"... This subject is always a painful one for me lol. Some how, Some way, i got caught up in the Mommy boards from hell. My story is a long one, So unless you are constipated and waiting to poo, taking a long bubble bath, or reading this before bed, I am sure most of you wont get to finish it lol. 
First July Mommy experience. It all started when I was about 2 months pregnant. Like any excited neurotic mother, I read and joined everything i could pertaining to this wonderful alien growing in my uterus. "What to expect when you're expecting" is a wonderful, insightful guide to your pregnancy and all the nasty shit that happens in those dreaded months. One day, while looking for apps on my blackberry, i came across the "WHAT TO EXPECT" APP...otherwise known by seasoned mommies as "wte". In this app, was a group of messaging boards in which i chose to join. My screen name was "Littlechunksmommy85". I joined the "expecting in july 11 board. ... whenever i had a question, or something exciting i would post it to these boards. Some times there were women who got just down right mean. In fact one young "ftm" (first time mom) asked if it was ok to have Velveeta shells and cheese while about 4 months pregnant. These women went absolutely nuts on this girl. Another girl had an issue with her sons name. Her husband wanted to name her kid "Anthony" which was the same name she observed he had planned to name a baby with his ex.  Again they tore her a new one. These went on and on until people were afraid to post in the "expecting July 2011" message boards on wte. From there on, the original "JULY MOMMIES 2011" FACEBOOK group was created.

I first joined and then recruited many others from the wte site. Things had gotten down right hateful and mean in the "app" and we were all glad to move to facebook. Not only was facebook easier to navigate, the wte app always glitched after writing a huge post, but the group was much more personal and real. Because there was a name, face, and profile to go along with your post in the group, we found people were much more calm and less rude. Everyone was happy go lucky and we all bonded very quickly. Until the "wte" app drama started to follow into the group. There was one FUCKING CUNT, and i only use that word for severe emphasis, names "kellyanne"... This girl was completely vile and just down right mean. If i could make a bet right at this moment, i would put money on the fact that she was a republican. She loved to degrade every single post and made it very clear anyone on medicaid should be euthanized. At one point she had made very many snide remarks to me, including one about her hopes for me to lose my baby so she wouldn't have to pay (with her tax dollars) for me to give birth. A lot of the women in the fb mommy group we flabbergasted by what this woman had to say. But there was about 5 who liked her and respected her right to give such a horrid opinion to me, and many others. When this all came to light they decided to make a "rule" about mentioning the wte app. If you were caught you got an email as a warning. If you mentioned it again, they would boot your ass back to regular non placenta facebook. Me and a few others (candy and aimee) were floored by this obvious abuse of power and censorship. We forged on and created what many to believe WAS the original, "WTE JULY BABIES 2011".

With the rule that no one would be bullied, or censored, or "mommied" in this group, and all would be accepted to join, we grew the group to well over 200 members. In fact i made a post personally and recruited many of them myself. Candy and Aimee were wonderful friends and pregger buddies to me in that group. We shared everything. Jokes, belly pics, sonogram pics, hot topics, annoyances, craving, sexcaspades.. you name it. It was wonderful and we stayed in that group until our babies were born. We each had a belly buddy and awaited every ones arrivals. Mine was Savannah. She was pregnant and having a girl. We became super close. Along with a buddy i had kept from the original group, Lisa. She ended up having her son on the same day as i had Gray. Everything was so great and i couldn't imagine never speaking to these wonderful strangers again.

Our babies were growing rapidly and so was the group. Some how it had gotten out that we had such a tight nit awesome group and people were joining well after the babies had been born. One in particular was shawndah. I really liked this new girl who also had a son that shred graysons birthday. One of the originals, ellen, and i had become close also. She was amazing and always there for advice or a raunchy laugh. Melissa was another who eventually i became close with. Her son was born in the end of June but she had also been there since the beginning of the mommies groups and remained in the original mommy fb group and the spin off. She would randomly skype with me and we became super close also. There were many women who i would claim at this point were amazing great people who i very much respected. Andrea, Casey, Savannah, Lisa, Sarah. Jordan, Daniella,candy, Aimee, Tiffany, Shannon,Kristin, Lacey, shawndah, nurit,Melissa, Ellen, carol,amber, holly, Crysta, and a few more. But those i was very close with. Out of all i only talk to about 6 of them. Things went spiraling down hill... Fast...

After all the new additions to our spin off group, a few of what were called "original mommies" were severely peeved at one mysterious caller. To this day, i have no clue who decided to pick up a phone and block their number, and make an obscene judgmental phone call to a mommy. Somehow, somewhere, i seriously swear kellyanne is probably to blame lol. But it happened.. so one of the "quiet" mommies decided to form a new group. This new group was made so we could "protect" ourselves from all of these horrible other mothers who cared enough about their babies to join a mommy board. The new group was called "JULY MOMMIES <3 background:="background:" class="goog-spellcheck-word" yellow="yellow">goog
-spellcheck-word" data-blogger-escaped-babies="babies">fbgroup and i felt horrible about leavinf the others behind. I am pretty sure every person i liked and knew was not the midnight caller, i added to that group. I really just didn't want to hurt any ones feeling or leave anyone out. So the group went on a bit longer... getting a bit more catty....
Now our babies are like 5 months old, and shit is getting real. Anyone who knows me knows how avid i am about my opinion. I was completely 100 percent always honest about my thoughts when it came to hot topics. I have never been one to agree with the majority to "be cool". A lot of mothers believed in different ideas of safe parenting, including co-sleeping. As someone who had known the mishaps involved and has been completely neurotic their whole life, i believed co-sleeping to be 100 percent unsafe when it came to newborns. I understood where these women were coming from, but nothing you did or said could convince me this was a good idea. That is when shit hit the fan. Women started to post articles or googles about the benfits for co-sleeping. I didn't care what blossom said, i was not going to change my mind. This was my child's life, not a game of monopoly... i am not taking any fucking chances. I did have some friends who were able to agree to disagree, but all in all a lot of the mean mommies would not accept that. The first "secret private" group was formed here. In this group i was a topic. My outlandish attempts to explain why i felt the way i did about co-sleeping, formula feeding, and having 19 kids was a hot topic for them. Eventually uni got a big head and tried to implement the "email warning" rule like the first group. My thought were as such, "I have a mommy, this group was created to stray away from people like you with the incessant need to control others. I do not want to be a part of a group that is dictated by mean girls". Uni then deleted me from the group. 50 percent were in outrage, 20 percent were happy, and the other 30 percent really could care less and stayed in the group but joined the new one... the next spin off... "THE DRAMA FREE JULY 2011" group....

The "drama free" immediately became a wonderful heartfelt close nit group. The mommies there were supportive, funny, raunchy, intelligent and pretty much drama free. We had mommy meet up and girls night out via chat rooms with web cams. We were not afraid to tell everyone everything, to post pictures of ourselves naked, or tell our biggest secrets. This group had an amazing sense of loyalty and was created by who i thought was a wonderful friend. Andrea, who had the cutest little boy and a sometimes over reacting need to post about her step son. No one seemed to care what anyone had to say or chat about because our loyalty and hate for the "heart group" was too strong to break. Until the next fight.... Shannon.

Shannon was a military wife and kind of a nut job. We always had a frenemy type of relationship and she always knew how to take things to an inappropriate level. Shannon got into a fight with candy one night over a comment she had made about age. Candy was slight older, always wiser, and a wonderful mother. But sometimes, she would let little petty actions slip. Most of the time we all respected her right to wig and ignored whatever was taken offensively. After all, candy was the momma bear and we enjoyed the respectful peace she radiated. at least then. Shannon had left the group for about the 4th time and swore she was not going back. She then created a new group. The "original bitch group" spin off. Now in the bitch group she had 3 members. Myself, herself, and Melissa. Melissa had somehow become a staple in every group. She actually became the butt of a "group whore" joke and didn't seem to mind. She always seemed to be online and available to chat, therefor she had an awesome relationship with a lot of mommies. When this group was started by Shannon, it was only the 3 of us... a place to rant and chat without any offense to other mommies. And then one day it started to grow. All the "popular" mommies who liked inappropriate jokes and strong opinions joined in to the bitch group. We chatted about everything under the sun and other mommies. It really was not one of my more "proud" moments. We found a hot topics group in which we entered only to reak havoc and be kicked out of lol. At that point Shannon and i started to really embrace the enemy part of our relationship. Some of the things said in the group got a little bit too mean for my taste and i started to feel uncomfortable. I took a step myself.

"RANT BITCH AND SHARE TOO MUCH" was then created. I myself wanted to stray away from the shit talking aspect and have more of a place to vent and share horrible ecards with the word cunt in them lol. This place took off and i invited people to ask real life friends with or without kids to join. It did and things went well for a while. Lots of laughs were shared here.... until.

Shawndah and Savannah start fighting. Savannah, my belly buddy and the mommy of grays pretend gf leaves my group. Ok i can live with that. Things remain calm and friendships are still had. Now some of the mommies in the drama free group, mostly the highly religious, or too sweet and innocent are not invited to this so called "bitch group" or rant and share too much. In fact Melissa had taken over the bitch group and it was still top secret. I abided by the rules... who wants to be the negative Nancy who tattles on everyone? Not fucking me! Loyalty is important! So when i made my group, which stemmed from that one, it also had to be secret. In order to protect the feelings and secrecy of the bitch group.

One day in rant and share too much, someone brought up an annoying chick attempt at photography. This girl had made a post in drama free about starting her own business as a photographer. She went out and bought a camera (dslr) and took some pictures in a practice photo shoot. The picture she posted and ASKED FOR OPINIONS on was of a girl, sitting in a cave, holding what appeared to be a Dorito next to her face and smiling. The lighting was horrible, the picture was posed, and it had no feeling or depth. This is what she planned on using to get business? Lol ok. She asked for opinions and i tried as nicely as i could to mention that sometimes you should just let pictures happen on their own. Not pose people ...or chips... and expect a good picture. Well she was not happy with my advice and made it known. Next thing you know chips were a hot topic and hilariously funny in the bitches groups. Andrea, who was friends with the chip girl Brittany, decided she was going to make a huge post in drama about how mean girls were making fun of said chip and beating a dead horse. In that post she happened to make a reference to "sahm's" or stay at home moms. This put everyone in an uproar and the next battle began. Andrea became the new uni. She was then taking control of the group and deleting whatever posts she liked. Everything was chaotic and crazy. Shawndah and Savannah started going at it again. Putting me in the middle. I refused to take Savannah's side and said i liked them both and they would have to battle it on their own. This caused Savannah to be pissed and leave the group, but not without first tattling about the bitches group. Drama free was no longer drama free.

The next wave to hit was epic. Andrea and Brittany then made friends with majken who was a severely quiet strange girl. Majken saw this as her time. The moment she had been waiting for. She was going to be a mommy board somebody, and she was going to take me down to get there. I had met majken 3 times. Once we flew to SC to a mommy meet up at Ellen's house where we met shawndah also. This was a wonderful trip but majken was welll, just a little "off". I actually felt bad for her because i could tell she was a little socially "different" and tried my best to protect her from shawndahs shit talking. Shawndah was the ultimate mean girl .She knew her shit when it came to alluding others into believing she was your best friend, and the bashing your shoes coat and mommy abilities behind your back. So when all the drama hit, majken decided to create her own group. The only rule was this, you could not be friends with heather lol. Um ... are we 5? Because i seriously felt a pig tail pull with that move! Next she tried to blame me for stealing from one of my most favorite mommies, carol.

We had a mommy meet up in may, a few weeks prior to the drama and a few weeks after the South Carolina meet up. Carol was one of my favorite mommies, i would have seriously given her my last dollar if i had to. She was an amazing real woman, with an awesome smile, sense of humor, and amazing intelligence! So when majken brought her to the meet up, i was sooo excited. Carol had brought her Ipad with her and before she left i told her, and i remember, "don't leave that ipad on the table because i can not drive it back to you" lol. She took it and went on her way to the car and put her things in her trunk. Now carol is positive she put it in the trunk. She and majken drove hours back to majkens house where carols car was in Orlando. Majken made some shady moves and unloaded all of carols things from her car to carols. When carol got hom, the ipad was gone. She immediately called majken and asked her to check her car. She could tell right off the bat that majken was a little odd sounding and knew something was up. Right after majken calls me, and tells me to looks for it. I of course knew carol had taken it and explained so. After all of this the drama occurred, majken made her move to create the new group, and then told everyone i had stolen carols ipad. To this day carol will tell you that she is positive majken took it and i would never steal anything from anyone. Just goes to show you that you can meet some major crazies in a mommy board. I blocked majken, and she blocked carol and her group died one day later. Congrats on that btw... shortest lived group ever!

So while majken is having group failure, Andrea decided to take Savannah and a few others and turn them against me. It was heather apocalypse number 2 lol. And all over a fucking picture with a chip. I am sorry but who really gives a fuck? Has no one ever heard of a block button? One push and the drama is gone lol. So in this group a friend of mine decided to bring me up negatively and the aftermath was crushing.

People can say a lot of things about me, but dont ever say that i am a bad mother. The things some of these ladies wrote about me and grayson were purely disgusting and sick. All of them went on block and i spent my first mothers day in tears. For once they hit me where it really hurt. They won the battle but not the war. From that day forward i really trusted no one, and that was a good thing... because the real backstabbers were still lingering by my side... 

A few months go by but nothing is ever really the same. 75 percent of the group has blocked majken and the others and the rest are awfully quiet. 50 shades of bitch club then rises from the dust. It was my group. I invited who i wanted and we had some fun for the last time. It was all good until homophobic chicken got involved...

Now everyone knew who i was close with and who i wasn't. But i did make a few mistakes on choosing my allies. Melissa was one who had been there since the beginning. When her son had no crib set, i bought her one with my tax money. When she decided to come last minute to Florida to visit me i cleaned and opened my doors to her, bought food and gas and her airplane ticket, and arranged to drive 3 hours to a mommy meet up for her. We had an interesting time, but something was off. Melissa complained about everything. And at the end, never even said thank you. After that, we stayed close, but never like we were. Casey and i were close also, i truly thought of her as one of my best mommy friends. And shawndah had become more than keeping her close to stay safe, i really respected her and thought i had been wrong. All of this went on until one day when chick fila announced they were against gay rights and donated money to many anti-gay charities.

Being the daughter of a gay woman, having gay friends, and having half a fucking brain to know that hate was wrong, the chick fila nonsense really bothered me. I posted on my regular page countless pictures mocking the stupidity of this christian company and also made it very clear i would no longer be spending my cash there. One of the girls in "50 shades" the newest group decided to get into a confrontation with my mom on my personal page and said some really ignorant things. I was outraged! This prompted me to make a post in my group, 50 shades, about the said drama with my mom and how i did not appreciate that. Well next thing i know, shawndah and casey are full fledged bringing it on about chick fila. I said lets just agree to disagree and thought that would be the end. Nope. They then followed into multiple groups (wte) (drama free) and (bacon) provoking this stupid shit about chickfila. Just trying to get a rise out of me. I left each group one by one and decided enough was enough. But Melissa made a new group and asked me to come back.

After that a lot seems blurry. Many people chalked it up to "my drama" again. It didn't matter how i tried to avoid it, they wanted to be in the popular club and would agree with whatever shandah and casey spewed to them. I was not there to tell the turh... and i worked all day. I didnt have time to beg strangers to be my friend. Thos who still cared, stayed. But then shit got even worse, melissa got involved with casey and shawndahs shit. It was made very clear i was pushed on the outs and they were forming their own gang. I simply didn't care. I blocked them all and went on.

That group stayed small for a while, and 50 shades continued on without me. Even though i created it, from what i had heard shawndah and casey were more than happy to take over. My real life friend "erin" had been in there. She took my place and everyone was happy to kiss her ass lol. Fine by me. Life went on and on and they continues their shit talking without me... I was happy and moving on... until...

The election. Again, it was my personal fb wall that caused an argument. First argument was with erin, her constant romney posts drove me insane. And the cryptic status updates got old. I knew that she was kissing ass and getting it in return with shawndah and casey, so i just let it all go. Who needs enemies with friends like that? So time went on and drama reared its ugly head one more time. This was the last time. Through this whole journey i had been friends with a few people and had never ever fought. One of those was jordan. I still love jordan to this day and consider her a real life friend. Also amber and sarah and ellen. But jordan and i got into a snidbit of a fight in the last remaining group i was in. We had just opened it up and thought enough time had gone by to introduce some old and new members. Things were great and really active. Until mel and shawndah came in. Jordan for some reason had touched a nerve with me and i her. We had a small fight resulting in her making a ridiculous post about me in my group. She then knew it was wrong and apologized to me. But that didn't stop all the texts and private messages she had gotten the minute the fight hit the airwaves. Shawndah, mel, jennifer (who was the worst) and ale (who pretended she was my friend) all made horrible nasty messages or comments about me. Shawndah and mel were a given. I mean lets face it, they showed me "the light" a long time ago. But jen and ale pretended to be my friend as of 2 hours ago! and now they are saying this horrible shit about me? How sick and childish... it was on.

I will say i went out with a silent bang. I let everyone know the true colors of these crazy freaks who i thought were once my friends. Since when did i become such a lonely pathetic stay at home mom drama freak? This was all absurd. Erin who was still in the groups lets me know how much our friendship meant to her and that she would drop those "wacko's" in a heart beat. But the weird thing is... she didn't. She created a whole group for them to secretly talk crap in. And then named it "shiny happy people". How ironic. These women have shown me a lot. They have shown me that whether you know someone online or in real life. They will most certainly fuck you over, even if it is just to gain Internet popularity. They have shown me that standing up for yourself is important, because others will lie about you faster than your head can spin. They have shown me that women can be down right nasty. Way worse than any man could dream of being. And they have shown me that having a true friend, will be proven through many trials and tribulations. Ther will most definitely be that someone who will stand by your side even if it means being different, or facebook blocked. It mean that there are people who can sit back and laugh without having to make everything so fucking complicated. And it shows that even though some people are completely scandalous, it doesnt mean they are 100 percent at fault. Looking back at some of the things i may have said or sone, i feel bad. But not nearly as bad as these people should feel. The grown up in me wants to remember the stories they shared of their sisters death, or husband who might be gay, or strange obsession with their husbands job or friends...Just so i can possibly give reasons to why they would be so deranged... but its not worth it.... whats worth it is to know i am better than mommy boards...

So when i wake up, and check facebook, i know i have real friends. When i open my door and take my kid to the park, im enjoying real life. When i pick up my phone and see a text, i don't have to wonder if that person just got done shit talking. I have all of this because the people still in my life have proved they are real... and not psycho's sitting at home with a lap top and bon bons lol ...

PS- i also want to make it clear that not all mommy board people are nuts. I miss some of them a lot. I have also been a part of a normal functioning non affiliated july mom group for a few months now. It is less intense and totally actually drama free. Im lovin it ;)

xoxo- heather

Its only stalking if you wont admit it...

         This is no joke, I have become a Full Fledge Facebook Stalker! I can not help it.. I like to blame the lack of activity at work. And also my lack of interest in "family guy", which happens to play for hours when I am home with J. Why must we watch the same freakin episodes over and over? "I haven't seen this one, I swear" j will respond to my protests. "Um, really? Well how much do you wanna bet that Peter and Bill Clinton become best friends, smoke pot, eat a live pig, and then fight because Bill fucks Lois?" I respond to him with an eye roll. "You saw the preview for it..." J will tell me and honestly believe himself. I swear he lives in his own little fucking dimension lol. In this dimension every episode of Family Guy is brand new and the last time I cleaned the house was 2010 lol.

Anyways, I am straying from the point. I have so much time on my hands, and such a face book savvy brain, that stalking is easy... and addicting. You can only status update, blog, and post ecards for so long before you are bored. So my mind starts to wander. hmmmmm......

My ex. Now as much as I love to hate "NED" and "NED-ELLA", I love to watch the dysfunction unfold on their face books. It is hard for me to always have access, since I have them on block, but never fear.. there are "ways" lol. The best part of these status updates would have to be the apparent lack of spelling, delusional happiness, and blatant disrespect for privacy in their relationship. Its like  a freakin TRAINWRECK ON METH. I can not look away. Here is a prime example lol...

"NED : Our don't u love the ones that says ewww look at them our they fat our they ugly shit half the time u ugly u fat our way to skinny and u hate what u see in that mmirror but its u and u look like shit god I love fb u can just go on and on and on and they can't do shit but block me "

Dear god, where do I start??? First of all, "OR" is the proper spelling, "OUR" means belonging to both. And since when did all punctuation just fall off the face of this polluted earth? These status updates rarely make sense, and rarely have a comment or a like. Sometimes I wonder if they are about me... but this time... I have a feeling it isn't. Previous posts have shown the drama did not stop with me, and has continued with "NED-ELLA".... Speaking of nedella, her posts are usually equally annoying and forthcoming. If you are having drama, why do you need to inform the entire town of bradentucky? Why does your second cousin once removed need to know you and your boyfriend will be "doing the dirty" for your one year anniversary? (Also known as NEDS prison release date)... This is obnoxious, to say the least, but also highly entertaining to your "HATERZ" as you call them. Them being me lol. But I must say, whenever you reference me, call me names, speak of my relationship with NED, or even post your obvious jealousy of the above mentioned... It still amuses me. Any time I see my predictions for your pathetic life come true, the little immature skinny girl inside me smiles. But no matter what you post, the fact that you are proud of your "ghetto-ness" seriously makes my day, every day.  Here was one of my favorite posts geared at me, with a lovely picture to go with it...

"Nedella: Lol, I must be bord... thanks H sincerely from the bottom of my heart for givin me the best thing that ever happend to me. I for once in my lyfe can be so appreciative to a bitch I dnt even know."

Oh skanky Nedella, you are sincerely welcome. And I thank you, for the severely bi-polar posts you make on a daily, that remind me why I left Ned in the first place :) . I have never had the best memory ;) These posts are some of the mild examples of the ups and downs. I see it go from "my disny princess women" (lol) to "why cant u just love me even though I fuck up everyday please come back". Face book soap opera lol ... js....

Now my personal EX's are not the only fun people to stalk on face book. There is always Jeramies ex dip shits also. Lol I don't venture to j's exes as often because one of them doesn't even really know how to use facebook and makes ned look like the spelling bee champion of bradenton. She now has 4 kids, each with different fathers. One is the guy she has cheated on J with. We will call her Menduh. Because she obviously has lots of men in her life, duh. Her face book posts are usually amusing and her pictures are always the worst. Why do we need to see 20 pictures of your kid with poop on their face? Sick.

Then we have J's past fuck buddy, we will call her Pat. She reminds me soo much of a man-girl. She is also on the hefty side, like all his other girlfriends lol, including me. But the reason she seems so manly does not have anything to do with looks. This girl is a video-gaming ghetto-aholic. Meaning she likes to drink, be hood, and play video games. Her life is usually pretty boring and seeing anything she posts is pretty lame. But i still look every once in a while lol ...

Now, ex-friends, the one that have stabbed you in the back, they are the best. I never get bored with seeing how often I occupy their mind. How many times will your lonely alcoholic friend post an obvious picture at my expense? Lol .. seriously.. posting about "High school drama" six weeks after the said drama is over, is slightly redundant lol. Doncha think? I understand your need to let everyone know how happy you are, and how miserable I am. In fact the post in which you "cryptic status" about me, and have your "followers" respond with jokes about my looks, had me cracking up. Should I be offended that people are cracking jokes about "someone" in which they have not seen or talked to? Lol maybe if you post a picture and have them rip me apart, it would hurt a littttle bit more lol! So, I thank all of these people who know nothing about me, or what I look like, or even my name, for pointing out that I am obviously hideous and miserable in my life lol.  Clearly that is why we can not be friends. I am just too jealous of you lol. No... sorry. We can not be friends because you are clearly way too intense, self involved, dramatic, and delusional. Why not just let me know when I can benefit your life again, then we can make up... OR NOT...

So you see, there are many people to occupy my bored moments and to stalk via facebook. New ones pop up everyday. I must admit that visiting peoples pages that you actually "like"... kind of sucks. I don't want to see someone I like fight with their significant other, or hear about the long line at the dmv... I wish good things to my actual friends and family. So all in all... I have absolutely no shame in facebook stalking. It occupies me in times of need, helps me realize I have made the right decisions for me, and confirms the fact that my haters are still obsessing. I guess I am just purely comfortable with my "unhappy" life and fully confident in my need to fill the boring moments with other peoples bs... So keep writing, and I will keep stalking :) In fact, I invite all my haters reading my PUBLIC blog, and looking at my public posts on facebook, to continue to do so :) As ned-ella says... Keep Hatin bitchez ;)

and this picture is a whole nother story lol! xoxo-h

Monday, November 19, 2012

Conspiracy (hair) theories..

        I find it very odd that there are a few things in life that seem to simply defy the laws of physics and well... disappear. (Eraser dust.. where the fuck does that shit go??)  First we will talk about socks, everyone knows that socks disappear. But, where the fuck do they go? Even though j loses his, my worst issue  is not socks, since i own 0 pairs. What's to lose?  

 My biggest fucking loss seems to be "HAIR TIES". I am a hair tie wearing fuckin freak. Just to CLEAR UP any confusion, a hair tie and a SCRUNCHY are two very different things. Now yes, they both kind of "do the same job",but a scrunchy is purely for washing your face or staring in a new 90's sitcom... You can not, and NEVER will be able to fashionably wear a scrunchy... yuck...

                                      HAIR TIE >


So... I seem to have an obsession with the lazy way out. On work days, I wake up, do my thing, take a shower, throw my hair up, apply make up, and then haul ass to work. The thing is, I will seriously buy a pack of hair ties, and within a week, they are gone. Is there some weird dimension full of fucking hair ties? Or, what if the underwear gnomes from south park really exist? If so, they never take my "draws". I am pretty sure i still have a thong from high school in my drawer. So maybe they only steal men's undies? Like, skid mark search parties?

WHAT IF , they steal J's underwear and my hair ties to bundle all of them into one collection with our address on it? Weird!!  I just don't get it... Now, I used to have a theory, that my cats stole the hair ties and then played with them. All the time I would find my hair ties in the cat food bowls... and then I would reuse them lol. Gross? Who cares!? I am sure you have put worse things, in worse places... (I.E your mouth mmmhmm)... So mAYbe.... My cats were killing the underwear hairtie gnomes, and now that I have locked her in the garage, she can no longer save our unmentionables and lazy wear :( ... And, if she is in the garage now, does that mean she might attack the dryer with the land of  missing socks? Can we make up for hairtie underwear losses on J's socks? I should sooo be a problem solving loss prevention adjuster.... Just some random thoughts.... My own version of conspiracy theories... You have your Obama Muslim shit.. and I have underwear hair tie gnomes...

Ps. OMG ... I just had a creepy thought.... Remember trolls? What if they are the underwear hairtie gnomes? They did have a lot of hair and NO UNDIES...
Pss.- If you ask j, he will claim I never put anything back in its proper place, which is why they are missing. Puh-lease...
My mom recently found this picture of me from a childhood xmas lol .... dear god!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

PMS VS. PPI'S and FML'S...

                               What a day from hell. HELLLLLLL. Is this really my life?

Lets start with last night... I am scheduled to midnight, but get "lucky" enough to be released from my prison at 11. I lock up everything tight and then go out to my car. Whenever I am leaving I always know the exact spot to roll my tires to, so I can shut the gate at night. The spot is just over the hump from the drive way at work, to the street. I park over the hump, lock the gate, and hear my shit hole people mover stall out. I get back in, look at my gas gage, and immediately know the incline is to blame as much as my empty bank account and almost empty gas tank. After about 10 min of pushing my car into the street I finally get in and start home. I realize while I am driving, I lost my cell. Searching frantically and trying to navigate the hood, I finally find it and leave my bestie a horrible message. "How dare you not answer when I called 3 times and was stranded in the hood. I HOPE WHEN THEY CALL YOU TO NOTIFY YOU OF MY DEAD BODY, YOU GET THAT CALL! click".. How dare she not answer to her bff at almost midnight. Lol. Prettty sure, i can blame that one on the PMS.
  12am:   I make it home, spend some time with j and realize that poor grayson still feels feverish. I hold and love my little booger and then we all get ready for bed, since mommy has to be to work at 10 am tomorrow. Grayson climbs in bed with mommy and snuggles up like his sweet little bum is too cold, so i snuggle back and drift off to bed around 2 am.

5 am.. I am awakened by a slobbery baby kiss and the following : "HEWWO" "DADA" "GODBAMORBINGSD" "UH" "AHHHAA".... FML.... you just went to bed at 2am kid, wtf are you doing awake? I try to ignore the small turd in my bed who is climbing on my head and kicking me in the face for a solid 20 minutes.. NO SUCH LUCK. I finally wake up j, who happens to be dead asleep. Since he woke the beast with his sleep jabbering, he should be the one to toss his butt into his crib so I can finish what little sleep I deserve.

9am. Time to get up. Shit, I need gas. I force j to get up so he can get me gas and I can get ready for work. He does, and I take out the dogs. My first thought : HOLEY BATSHIT it is cold out. Second thought: Piccy has peed and pooped and is waiting by the door. It is now 9:17. What the hell GG! He keeps running in a circle and will not poop!~ I am going to be late. I shower, kiss my baby with a fever, and haul ass to work.

9:56 I finally make it to work and decide to get out, and open the gate, so I can pull my fuck ass car in the lot. I put in the gate code and go to get back in the car, sit down and shut my door. It swings back open. I try again. It swings back open. W T F. I pull in with the door flying and take a look. Obviously this is just a giant piece of fuckity fuck fuck and I give up. Its broken. I call people to help me and my dad says to look at the other side. I pull some lever, that door gets stuck open to. I want to cry. Is it the pms? Or the fml? IDK... but IGU!

10AM... I walk in to my office, gag from the smell, and on my desk is about 6 PPI'S. A ppi is short for "private property impound". Now all of these ppi's have come from the riverview center downtown. Anyone familiar with downtown would know that "downtown" is one street with about 7 barsand no parking at all. It is also where any dumb douchy hand fed bradentuckian kid would party. Because of this, I seriously hate weekends, we always get a lot full of cars, all owned by dumbass drunkards who spent the prior evening  drinking heavily and parking in a tow lot. The company I work for has a contract with the riverview center owner, and anyone who has left their car in the lot, with signs posted "tow away zone" will have their car removed and brought here by 7 am. TAKE NOTE ALCHY'S! DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CAR IN THE LOT WITH THE TOW SIGNS!!! I know that sounds so simple, and you may have been "doing that since you were 21" but just fucking don't.

11am... I have now taken the time to enter in all the "ppi's" and given up on fixing my car. My phone at work is ringing off the fucking hook and I have just about shed a few tears after the second rude member of the hangover part 3 has called. One poor soul who was actually very nice came in and picked up his vehicle just as all the calls had calmed. Of course, his first question was : "When did they start towing down there? I have been parking there for years!" I reffered to the signs and he was understanding..I thought to myself...hmm, this day may get better...nope.

12pm. Drunk dillhole number 2 pulls up. Why on gods green earth, the day I am bloated, tired, pms'ing and miserable, did this next drunky have to be a past sexual escapade? Ugh, him and his friend come in, ask "When did they start towing from there? I have been parking in that lot forever"..eyeroll... they pay what they can, and leave. Thank god that is over, but i realllly wanted to die now.

12:20 pm... Drunk fucktard number 3. This guy calls beforehand, curses at me on the phone and then proceeds to walk in with his skanky girlfriend who looks rode hard and put away wet. His first statement is as follows...  "This is fucking ridiculous, I have been parking in that lot since I was 21 and have never been towed, when the fuck did they start towing from there?"... THAT WAS IT. IM FUCKING FED UP! My response "Sir, they have signs posted everywhere in that lot explaining the right for the owner to have your vehicle towed. Next time try going someplace where you will have no trouble finding a parking spot and will not be towed from, LIKE AN AA MEETING, now GOOD DAY!"

1:30. F M L. Shit has hit the god damn fan. Calls are coming in like crazy, I'm getting the wrong addresses, and people are still picking up their cars and complaining about our morals... "What would you rather I drive drunk?" ...EYEROLL... "No mam, would you rather be paying 10 grand for a DUI. Pretty sure 178.00 is getting off easy!" I am starving, emotional, worried about grayson, staring at my open car door, and pissed off at the fucking world.

Its now almost 4. Things have slightly calmed down some, but I did just get a call about a jumpstart I must have overlooked, from 1pm. :-O .. and i finally got some food thanks to my wonderful friend and blog follower Jaime, and lastly the calls have somewhat regulized. But i just cant help the want to fucking bawl... Is it PMS? PPI'S? FML'S? I dont know... but im seriously ready to go home. This is what it is like to be me for a few fucking hours...

xoxo-h :(

Friday, November 16, 2012

"Thanks for calling Little land of drama, this is heather...."

So you would seriously think my job would be cake. I work with one other chick for about 5 minutes a day and the rest of the time I am alllll alone. NOPE. My job is the most dreadful place I have ever been. Ever heard of making a mountain of a mole hill? Well I am pretty sure my boss has mastered making dinosaur  manure out of a mouse turd. Never, in my almost 30 years, have I met a more dramatic group of middle aged, or old, men. Each one of them has their own little quirks and peeves that is special just to them. For the most part I get along with most of them. But I must say, out of 6 of them, 2 of them really piss me off (not including the boss man). Like , piss me off more than an "under the skin on the side of your nose pimple". I will never understand why the drama is so necessary to them.

I always seem to land these jobs with the most unfortunate stipulations. Lol, boys and girls, college is definitely important! I come to work everyday and do what I can. I take calls when they come in, and I dispatch them. Collecting a bit of info and shoving it in to the dinosaur program seems like a cinch. If only. Somehow, someway, no matter what, something goes wrong. Now, I understand that in a perfect world, I would only be blamed for thing I do wrong personally. Not here... someone could fart into a leather seat before my shift, and if it still smells 3 hours later, its my fault.

Boss: "Well what the hell heather? Why the hell did you give him that fuckin call? Didn't you ask what he had for lunch first? Don't you tell the driver they need to fart outside the fuckin trucks? Now I have to hear this whiny little pansy ass complain about inhaling nose poop! God dammit, cant you do anything I fuckin tell you?!!!" ...

Me: "I'm sorry boss, I will make sure I let him know where to fart next time. :( :( "

Boss: "God damn right you will. I can have you replaced, I know where to tell these guys to fart and no one is farting on my god damn truck without my permission... I have been doing this for god dam 30 years! No little democrat liberal is going to come in here and tell anyone they can fart where they want"

Me: :: hangs head:: ::silence::  (thinking why is it my fucking fault if that dumbass ate a burrito...shut up already)

30 minutes goes by and my boss has yelled at everyone in the office, changed four guys schedules, and locked all the bathrooms and taken away toilet paper. That is just one freakin hour at my work is like. Now the subject matter of farting was just an example. He has never actually blamed me for someone elses flatulence, but I have been blamed for things that are clearly ridiculous. Such as a driver wanting to take 2 hours off to eat dinner with his family.

I walk in to my shift 10 minutes early. My boss has hands flying, his sidekick is grinning, and the other girl is packing her shit to haul ass. Really? Fucking wonderful... I sit down and immediately am bombarded, screamed at, and then robbed of 2 of my scheduled days. While confused, and trying to get to the bottom of the screaming , I then find out what the issue was and dig a pretend hole in my chair and hide. All i can think during the screaming is WHY?! Why is this my fucking job... why cant he just chill the hell out! Is it really that big of a deal? And why the hell is it my fucking fault what someone else does or needs to do? After he screams at me again for being silent, he then tells me I will be fired shortly... not because of anything I have done, but because the effect this driver will have on business. After this driver has eaten his meal, business will just simply vanish, and then he will no longer need to pay me minimum wage to sit alone in the hood at night (secretly blogging to you all). I am pretty used to this by now and I can fight my need to cry or freak out. Once he sees that he is not having any effect on me, he will just try harder. So I have to gravel to him. It is not always easy, and sometimes doesn't work. I am usually pretty good at schmoozing anyone i need to, but this guy is a piece of work. I pretty much could tell him any damn compliment I could think of, only to have him pick out one fucking word and flip it allllll around on me. It is scary. And frankly, just poor business.

In fact, scared should be my job description. I sit alone at night in a dark towing building filled with rats. Yes... Rats. They are in the walls... the garage.. and the dumpster. It is super freakin creepy,l and almost as disgusting as the constant harassment from my boss.

The rats are not even the worst part though, and not the only ones scavenging for food. The homeless barefoot grown men wandering the hood drunk, are far more scary then a dumb rodent. I have to venture outside every once in a while, and we carry no cash, but behind the locked doors and gates... IM STILL SCARED! I seriously have never been one to enjoy chillen in the ghetto.

All in all... my job has good points. I do get to be alone a lot, and blog to you all. I have a TV Inever watch with cable. And as long as i want to watch "fox news" i am welcome to do so... eyeroll.  Some amusing and funny days where i don't want to spike my tab with Drano, I dont mind it here. But the bad shit, totally outweighs the good. So IS life. At least mine... I just don't see why this has to be so dramatic. I have never called in, never missed a call, never been late. I always enter all the information in correctly. I am polite, eager to help, and friendly to my co-workers. So why all the crazy shit? Do I not stay late for my boss without him even asking if I have any plans or a life for after my shit? YES. Do I work holidays when everyone else is with their families eating dinner? YES! Have I not fixed a phone or computer for you, or cleaned your disgusting dirty office for hours without even being asked? Yes!~ Then why can you not show me a little damn respect, none the less give me a raise to a wage above minimum wage?  FML ... I need to just find another fucking job. All this crap in the little land of drama... is just plain old.   XOxo-H

"That one friend" ....

Facebook in a phenomenon. Some people wake up daily and check their facebook before they even pee and make pancakes. (Separately I hope ;) It almost seems to be a slight addiction. I love my facebook almost as much as I hate it. I mean how many times can you fight on a mommy board before you toss your lap top at a feather pillow? Even worse is attempting to status after a night of drinking. No, I must the worst part of all would have to be the "mobile app"...did that fucking thing ever work???  But then again, dear old facebook provides me comfort when J plays video games, when I am in an awkward situation and refuse to text the bestie, or even when I feel the need to surrender to adhd during a poo. Yes, that's correct, I have stalked you from my own bathroom. (Don't act like you haven't done it lol!) I must say though, the best part of facebook has to be "that one friend". You know exactly who I am referring to.

"That one friend" is the borderline psychotic person you may have went to school with, drank a beer with, or even played dj diddles with in a bathroom at a bar. This friends status updates are pure entertainment and an immediate "pick me up" when you are feeling down. I myself had one of these. He was someone I met when I was in highschool. A "friend" of a "friend" lets say. This guy had disappeared for quite a while only to return as 3 gallons of crazy in a 2 gallon bucket. When he first friended me, he imagined we had a "thing" in his head. I myself didn't realize how "serious" we were until he sent me a shocking email claiming how messed up he was, and that I probably would not want to "involve" myself with him. LOL. My thoughts were... um ... ok? You seriously just sent me that because you invited me to a group get together at your house one weekend?  "I might try to stop by with some friends" was what I thought to be a normal friendly response, so where on earth is that relationship status on facebook? .. .... ..... ..... Yep. This is how my relationship began with "that one friend". Now, mind you, our correspondence was very minimal lol... I really do believe that to be a true statement, but as proven before, who knows what his "perception" was.

 Time flew by and I watched "that friend" struggle with addiction, crazy 5 min relationships, and a persistent issue pertaining to "friend boundaries". Anyone who has ever facebooked me, can attest to the fact that I always respond to an IM or PM. It may take me a while, but, I always get back. The biggest annoyce had to be that this guy asked for advice more than Mitt Romney asked for campaign money! Me, never being able to say no, tried my best.  I tried for quite a while actually to keep my "advice" friendly, mildly sarcastic, and genuine. But then one day I was just fed up. I point blank told "that one friend" that they were, well, "my one friend". They were actually the person who posts the most ridiculous shit to facebook I had ever seen! I must say,I MYSELF post some ridiculous shit on a daily... but this kid had me beat! here are some paraphrased examples....

That one friend: Went to work today, made an extra five dollars, any fine ladies wanna jump on my bike and fuck me while I pedal? We could go down to Sarasota, and have a good time. I love life and everything is perfect today! ahhh come on?

Now, please explain to me how this is ever acceptable? I would always make a snide comment, or pm about taking it down. Maybe even give him a slight reminder  about his wants and goals for life that were previously discussed in those annoying PM's.  Kinda like this...

ME: "hey 'that friend', no girl wants a guy publicly posting that he wants to fuck whores on bikes and that he is proud of a five dollar tip he received at his minimum wage job. If you ever want to move out of that room you are renting from the old lady with serial killer eyes... i suggest you delete that shit and concentrate on fixing your life.."

  Uually he would make a few offended comments, and the eventually come to his senses and delete it... But the minute I turned my back, he was off to it again... Two weeks later... ugh...

That one friend: These are the nights i really want to snort a bunch of blow and walk around this mansion i am squatting in naked. I really love my life, any ladies want to keep me company and give me a ride to work tomorrow? I also am with an old man who will pay women to show titties.. i think we could really bank on this!"

Now picture ME... sitting here.. shaking my damn head! Sometimes I would just give up, and stop wasting my breath. I watched him circle round and round with these neurotic addictions to disgusting dysfunction. But today, I finally was sick of his Internet dating updates, and reckless drunk 2 am status updates... I made a rude comment. He rebutted. I deleted.

This was horrible on my part. What if I get into a car accident? Lose my job? Gain 40 more pounds? What will make me feel better? "That friend"and the constant crazy status updates ar exhausted in my book... Guess I am S.O.L...LOL.

So every time you feel the need to keep your 150 dollar speeding ticket to yourself, or restrict yourself from telling facebook that your husband is a dick who never takes out the trash, or even hide that you may have been fired for sleeping with the ugly co-worker in billing...dont.  Think about how something so shocking to you, could be a normal status compared to "that one friend" . I really  rationalize  it this way:  I may status my problems, my life, my happiness, my whatever... but I never status some crazy shit like "that one friend"... do you have one? Am i yours? lol If so... your life must be pretty boring :) XOxo-h

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Weight limit exceeded...

I have a theory. After having a baby you can use your "get out of fat free" card for so long. My theory consists of pin pointed time periods and ridiculous over exaggerated excuses.

Warning: this is total self loathing bullshit that helps only you get through the day...

The day you give birth:   The day you give birth will always be joyous. That extra 30 to 80 pounds you have gained is jello down a pot hole after you see your precious babies squishy little face. Your first shower can be joyous, and leave you feeling refreshed and ready for new mommy hood (or returning).I mean lets face it, when that sweet little angel blessing comes out, so does some pretty nasty shit. But in my own experience, no matter how great you feel, you should never look in the mirror or step on a scale. For some god awful reason, that 8 pound baby, 7 pound placenta, and 10 pounds of water and BS may have left your body.! And the scale says you have only lost 4 pounds! How is this possible?!!!! Is this republican math?
 MOMMY EXCUSE: swelling!! You can blame it on swelling for at least a month, a c-section may even buy you 3... its hard work giving birth!

3 months a mommy:    Most of you have been sitting at home enjoying a maternity leave for about 3 months. The weight may be packing on and breast feeding just wasn't for you. No matter what anyone tells me, I remember scarfing down 2 egg sandwiches with a leach attached to my breast. (That scary moment when you hope you don't drop egg yolk on your offspring's head is never graceful..)
 MOMMY EXCUSE: "I have been stuck in the house and getting no sleep. How many hours do YOU get a night??! I am going on a total of 6 in 3 days!!! I am way too tired for exercise and need to get back to working and having a purpose before I can shed my baby weight! Plus.. I wear yoga pants everyday... "

6 months a mommy:      Things are finally getting back into a groove. You are enjoying your baby and may have even shed a few of those extra pounds. In all reality you probably wouldn't notice a difference anyway because you are still rocking those yoga pants and your boobs have gotten a little smaller...  But remnants still linger...
MOMMY EXCUSE: "I  finally get to sit down and enjoy a good meal. But unfortunately, I can not go out very often, I am a mother! Finding time to exercise is just as much work as actually doing it." It is also helpful to point out what a change balancing work and mommyhood is. Thus the reason you just cant shake your extra happy weight. (Csection mommies, dont forget to explain to others how they cut through your core muscles to pull out that baby with the giant head. )

1 to3 years of mommy-ness: This is the hardest time to make excuses for your weight, you have had ample time to make some changes in your lifestyle. You finally broke down and bought bigger pants and simply forget what it was like to be your normal self. There comes a point in time in life when all women must stop shopping in the JR'S section, this just may be yours ;)
MOMMY EXCUSE: "My child never eats all their food. I must do my part and save the earth. Cleaning up whats left on that plate just may be the only civil duty I have time for anymore." Then, immediately start trying for baby number 2 lol.

All laughter aside, I have always struggled with weight and image. No fucking lies, I like me some food. Preferably fried. But after having Grayson, I found myself to be the largest I have ever been! How does it just creep up on you? Thank GOD I found a magic diet full of unhealthy drugs, starvation, and seriously fucking painful shots to the blubber. I lost a quick 20 pounds in just one month  and now its slowly coming back lol. Don't you hate being that person who wishes they were as skinny as they were when they thought they were fat? Diet and exercise will always be the cure all! I could receive at least 20 comments about diet restrictions and exercise plans that will "totally work". But come on guys... I'm fat for a reason, I like food and hate exasperating movement! lol. I do have a dear friend, actually multiple friends, who have tried those "it works wraps" and honestly... they work! Or so I have seen. I know it sounds crazy, but there is magical cure all. Did you not see that I lost 20lbs in one month? (whoo hooo magic white pills!!) So, I am seriously thinking of trying one of these wraps and then blogging the results. I will be also offering one to try for free to one of my lucky blog readers also. For those of you not struggling, THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS! Weight issues in today society are so extreme! And even if you dont have a weight issue, there is always some flaw you see and think is 9 million times larger then it is to others. Kinda like my ass, or ego. Lol so keep reading you all... And I will keep writing while bored at work!  Hope you all enjoyed my fat girl excuses :) Keep on Eatin on ;)  XOxo-h

If the past calls, im letting it go to voicemail...

Sometimes I think my past may still be defining my present. It may be a positive and a negative affect, but for some reason it still lingers in my head.

 I know many have misconceptions about my past relationship with my ex, lets call him Ned. He definitely deserves a horrible name like Ned. Now let me start with explaining Ned's horrible addiction to drugs. Not a day went by when I did not have to count my money, find out what was pawned, or check the cell log. I lived day to day with fear of my life, at which that time I believed was out of my control. I wanted to work, pay my bills, and start a family. All of these things are completely possible for any young woman in America, well any young women who is not in a relationship with a NED. I am pretty sure I picked that name because he "needed everyday drugs" to survive.

Pills have to be my biggest fear for my child's future, after spending 10 years with a pill head who was in and out of jail. The unbelievable amount of friends, family, and loved ones I have seen affected, makes me want to vomit stomach bile. The affect of these people in my life have left me with some of my "bitchy" characteristics and fears within every relationship I have. Like lying, i  have an over exaggerated fear of liars, ending in my mistrust in everyone. The need for security, which I have also learned I must provide for myself to make it through any day. Incessant need to control my surroundings, control is what keeps me from  flipping my wig about little problems with potential to become big ones. All of these fears and qualities have followed me to my new life, from my past. It is kind of sad, and something I work on overcoming every day.

I have said before my life is far from perfect, but, having all of these issues that stem from my past does not come with some positives also. I have an unbelievable gratefulness for my child. Having pcos, an ex with druggy sperm, and two miscarriages, has made me realize everything I went through brought me to the most perfect gift I could ever imagine. Grayson. Thank god in heaven for unanswered prayers. I waited and put up with the most horrible gut wrenching situations, so I could be brought to Grayson. No matter what ever happens, how I am portrayed, or where I end up, I know I will have my son. Now, I know I am not the only one who has ever battled being the "other woman". The most important woman being the drugs in my ex's life. I always said he was cheating on me everyday, with drugs. I sit and look at many of my friends who are battling what I have. I wish I hadn't and I wish they were not now. But what can I say to make them realize that there is more to life than fighting someone elses battle with addiction. I guess nothing... it didn't matter what anyone told me. I loved this guy. He was my whole world... bla bla bla. He convinced me I was his whole world also, and he needed me. I had to stay with him no matter how much he caused me to fail, cry, or die inside. He was my drug, and I was not his. He told me no one would ever want me, and I would end up alone... At first that statement was ridiculous, like he could seriously chase away anyone in my world. But eventually, my world got smaller and smaller...The fear of being alone became too rational for comfort. I stayed even longer.

 It took his last embezzlement and a punch in the face for me to let go. Why? Why after 10 years of being violated, lied to, cheated on, disrespected, verbally abused, and degraded, did it take him being incarcerated for me to move on? I guess a part of me can see that as 10 years wasted, or a seriously long lesson! But today I am stronger, in fact, i reach new levels of self respect and strength everyday. I have a beautiful son and a "j". Lol. I have my own mind and thoughts and feelings that I will never hide. I have found these inner strengths simply because i have an amazing since of pride. I know what you are thinking.... how can I have pride after 10 years of mistakes? I have pride because I broke free and rebuilt the life I wanted. I stayed stronger than the addiction to him, my addiction to drinking that followed, my depression, and my need for this dysfunction that came with NED.

When Ned was released from prison, a piece of me was curious. I wanted the "I'm sorry" that I felt I deserved after years of horrible pain from this fucking prick. Now lets get this clear, I had finally seen the light, and was not even this smallest bit attrected to ned, but i did try to form a friendship with him. Many were skeptical and believed I would attempt to go back to him. Why? Did the Nazi's return to the war camps? No! I did not want any further torture from him, just an understanding I guess... I wanted an adult friendship. I wanted one tiny bit of maturity and adult behavior from 10 wasted years of my pathetic life with him. I couldn't get that from him though... why?  His new girlfriend.... who we will call Ned-ella... She did not want any part of this. To her my need to have a friendship with this "boy" was sexual, loving, and adoring. Let me set the record straight, it was anything but those things! My phone would ring, and it would be him... or her... and drama would follow. Now after everything is said and done.... I have come to the conclusion I don't need an " I'm sorry".

In fact, I don't even need an answer to why, I seriously don't need anything from these people. A goodbye, and knowing that no matter what, I am a good person and can look in the mirror is enough for me to get through any day. My son is enough to prove I am blessed. So if my phone ever happens to ring again... and I see its my past... I will be hitting the fuck you button... and letting its nasty ass go to voice mail....

The purpose of sharing this is that I do have many friends struggling with addiction or as a partner in the same kind of relationship... just know... determination is all you need, let all that other BS go to voicemail....    XOxo-h