Sometimes I think my past may still be defining my present. It may be a positive and a negative affect, but for some reason it still lingers in my head.
I know many have misconceptions about my past relationship with my ex, lets call him Ned. He definitely deserves a horrible name like Ned. Now let me start with explaining Ned's horrible addiction to drugs. Not a day went by when I did not have to count my money, find out what was pawned, or check the cell log. I lived day to day with fear of my life, at which that time I believed was out of my control. I wanted to work, pay my bills, and start a family. All of these things are completely possible for any young woman in America, well any young women who is not in a relationship with a NED. I am pretty sure I picked that name because he "needed everyday drugs" to survive.
Pills have to be my biggest fear for my child's future, after spending 10 years with a pill head who was in and out of jail. The unbelievable amount of friends, family, and loved ones I have seen affected, makes me want to vomit stomach bile. The affect of these people in my life have left me with some of my "bitchy" characteristics and fears within every relationship I have. Like lying, i have an over exaggerated fear of liars, ending in my mistrust in everyone. The need for security, which I have also learned I must provide for myself to make it through any day. Incessant need to control my surroundings, control is what keeps me from flipping my wig about little problems with potential to become big ones. All of these fears and qualities have followed me to my new life, from my past. It is kind of sad, and something I work on overcoming every day.
I have said before my life is far from perfect, but, having all of these issues that stem from my past does not come with some positives also. I have an unbelievable gratefulness for my child. Having pcos, an ex with druggy sperm, and two miscarriages, has made me realize everything I went through brought me to the most perfect gift I could ever imagine. Grayson. Thank god in heaven for unanswered prayers. I waited and put up with the most horrible gut wrenching situations, so I could be brought to Grayson. No matter what ever happens, how I am portrayed, or where I end up, I know I will have my son. Now, I know I am not the only one who has ever battled being the "other woman". The most important woman being the drugs in my ex's life. I always said he was cheating on me everyday, with drugs. I sit and look at many of my friends who are battling what I have. I wish I hadn't and I wish they were not now. But what can I say to make them realize that there is more to life than fighting someone elses battle with addiction. I guess nothing... it didn't matter what anyone told me. I loved this guy. He was my whole world... bla bla bla. He convinced me I was his whole world also, and he needed me. I had to stay with him no matter how much he caused me to fail, cry, or die inside. He was my drug, and I was not his. He told me no one would ever want me, and I would end up alone... At first that statement was ridiculous, like he could seriously chase away anyone in my world. But eventually, my world got smaller and smaller...The fear of being alone became too rational for comfort. I stayed even longer.
It took his last embezzlement and a punch in the face for me to let go. Why? Why after 10 years of being violated, lied to, cheated on, disrespected, verbally abused, and degraded, did it take him being incarcerated for me to move on? I guess a part of me can see that as 10 years wasted, or a seriously long lesson! But today I am stronger, in fact, i reach new levels of self respect and strength everyday. I have a beautiful son and a "j". Lol. I have my own mind and thoughts and feelings that I will never hide. I have found these inner strengths simply because i have an amazing since of pride. I know what you are thinking.... how can I have pride after 10 years of mistakes? I have pride because I broke free and rebuilt the life I wanted. I stayed stronger than the addiction to him, my addiction to drinking that followed, my depression, and my need for this dysfunction that came with NED.
When Ned was released from prison, a piece of me was curious. I wanted the "I'm sorry" that I felt I deserved after years of horrible pain from this fucking prick. Now lets get this clear, I had finally seen the light, and was not even this smallest bit attrected to ned, but i did try to form a friendship with him. Many were skeptical and believed I would attempt to go back to him. Why? Did the Nazi's return to the war camps? No! I did not want any further torture from him, just an understanding I guess... I wanted an adult friendship. I wanted one tiny bit of maturity and adult behavior from 10 wasted years of my pathetic life with him. I couldn't get that from him though... why? His new girlfriend.... who we will call Ned-ella... She did not want any part of this. To her my need to have a friendship with this "boy" was sexual, loving, and adoring. Let me set the record straight, it was anything but those things! My phone would ring, and it would be him... or her... and drama would follow. Now after everything is said and done.... I have come to the conclusion I don't need an " I'm sorry".
In fact, I don't even need an answer to why, I seriously don't need anything from these people. A goodbye, and knowing that no matter what, I am a good person and can look in the mirror is enough for me to get through any day. My son is enough to prove I am blessed. So if my phone ever happens to ring again... and I see its my past... I will be hitting the fuck you button... and letting its nasty ass go to voice mail....
The purpose of sharing this is that I do have many friends struggling with addiction or as a partner in the same kind of relationship... just know... determination is all you need, let all that other BS go to voicemail.... XOxo-h