Friday, November 16, 2012

"That one friend" ....

Facebook in a phenomenon. Some people wake up daily and check their facebook before they even pee and make pancakes. (Separately I hope ;) It almost seems to be a slight addiction. I love my facebook almost as much as I hate it. I mean how many times can you fight on a mommy board before you toss your lap top at a feather pillow? Even worse is attempting to status after a night of drinking. No, I must the worst part of all would have to be the "mobile app"...did that fucking thing ever work???  But then again, dear old facebook provides me comfort when J plays video games, when I am in an awkward situation and refuse to text the bestie, or even when I feel the need to surrender to adhd during a poo. Yes, that's correct, I have stalked you from my own bathroom. (Don't act like you haven't done it lol!) I must say though, the best part of facebook has to be "that one friend". You know exactly who I am referring to.

"That one friend" is the borderline psychotic person you may have went to school with, drank a beer with, or even played dj diddles with in a bathroom at a bar. This friends status updates are pure entertainment and an immediate "pick me up" when you are feeling down. I myself had one of these. He was someone I met when I was in highschool. A "friend" of a "friend" lets say. This guy had disappeared for quite a while only to return as 3 gallons of crazy in a 2 gallon bucket. When he first friended me, he imagined we had a "thing" in his head. I myself didn't realize how "serious" we were until he sent me a shocking email claiming how messed up he was, and that I probably would not want to "involve" myself with him. LOL. My thoughts were... um ... ok? You seriously just sent me that because you invited me to a group get together at your house one weekend?  "I might try to stop by with some friends" was what I thought to be a normal friendly response, so where on earth is that relationship status on facebook? .. .... ..... ..... Yep. This is how my relationship began with "that one friend". Now, mind you, our correspondence was very minimal lol... I really do believe that to be a true statement, but as proven before, who knows what his "perception" was.

 Time flew by and I watched "that friend" struggle with addiction, crazy 5 min relationships, and a persistent issue pertaining to "friend boundaries". Anyone who has ever facebooked me, can attest to the fact that I always respond to an IM or PM. It may take me a while, but, I always get back. The biggest annoyce had to be that this guy asked for advice more than Mitt Romney asked for campaign money! Me, never being able to say no, tried my best.  I tried for quite a while actually to keep my "advice" friendly, mildly sarcastic, and genuine. But then one day I was just fed up. I point blank told "that one friend" that they were, well, "my one friend". They were actually the person who posts the most ridiculous shit to facebook I had ever seen! I must say,I MYSELF post some ridiculous shit on a daily... but this kid had me beat! here are some paraphrased examples....

That one friend: Went to work today, made an extra five dollars, any fine ladies wanna jump on my bike and fuck me while I pedal? We could go down to Sarasota, and have a good time. I love life and everything is perfect today! ahhh come on?

Now, please explain to me how this is ever acceptable? I would always make a snide comment, or pm about taking it down. Maybe even give him a slight reminder  about his wants and goals for life that were previously discussed in those annoying PM's.  Kinda like this...

ME: "hey 'that friend', no girl wants a guy publicly posting that he wants to fuck whores on bikes and that he is proud of a five dollar tip he received at his minimum wage job. If you ever want to move out of that room you are renting from the old lady with serial killer eyes... i suggest you delete that shit and concentrate on fixing your life.."

  Uually he would make a few offended comments, and the eventually come to his senses and delete it... But the minute I turned my back, he was off to it again... Two weeks later... ugh...

That one friend: These are the nights i really want to snort a bunch of blow and walk around this mansion i am squatting in naked. I really love my life, any ladies want to keep me company and give me a ride to work tomorrow? I also am with an old man who will pay women to show titties.. i think we could really bank on this!"

Now picture ME... sitting here.. shaking my damn head! Sometimes I would just give up, and stop wasting my breath. I watched him circle round and round with these neurotic addictions to disgusting dysfunction. But today, I finally was sick of his Internet dating updates, and reckless drunk 2 am status updates... I made a rude comment. He rebutted. I deleted.

This was horrible on my part. What if I get into a car accident? Lose my job? Gain 40 more pounds? What will make me feel better? "That friend"and the constant crazy status updates ar exhausted in my book... Guess I am S.O.L...LOL.

So every time you feel the need to keep your 150 dollar speeding ticket to yourself, or restrict yourself from telling facebook that your husband is a dick who never takes out the trash, or even hide that you may have been fired for sleeping with the ugly co-worker in billing...dont.  Think about how something so shocking to you, could be a normal status compared to "that one friend" . I really  rationalize  it this way:  I may status my problems, my life, my happiness, my whatever... but I never status some crazy shit like "that one friend"... do you have one? Am i yours? lol If so... your life must be pretty boring :) XOxo-h


  1. You crack me up! I always read your status' to see what "bad luck" has been thrown your way and how you handle it! Thats my favorite part...not the bad luck, but how you respond to it!

  2. lol thanks jaime!! xoxo ;) and love u mama!

  3. This is so true on sp many levels! People are so wacked and you are a super Wack magnet!

  4. This "one friend" is a waste of your time.

  5. he was... but i loved watching him spiral down.... it was like a jerry springer widget of fb ;)


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