Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Is this a phase? Why the fuck does my kid think throwing his body to the ground and yelling "mommmmy mommmmy" will somehow get me to change my mind? "Oh... you are on the ground screaming mommy? Ok... go ahead and stay outside alone, you are almost 2. I bet you can handle it..." Um NO....

The best had to be the other day at the Outlet mall lol. Of course my mother is here visiting and we decided we needed to get some things from the outlet mall. Pretty much shoes for my spoiled man-child brother, and some stuff for Js bday.

Now mind you, I drive a very small truck. In fact, it has a "half backseat". Whos fucking bright idea
was that btw? No one fits on the half back seat, and the car seat is questionable. Not to mention the fact that my kid can pull my hair and kick my spleen through a seat, at the same time. So we have a  small truck, a carseat, and 2 adults plus 2 man children. Fun shit right?

After we shove everyone in, and are at the light to turn in, i have a revaluation. THE STROLLER. WE EFFIN FORGOT THE DAM MUNCHKIN STRAIGHT JACKET! Now my nerves are completely shot. I have his leash but I know how well that works. Gray will walk just fine on his "monkey leash". But he will only walk the way he wants, and leave a path of destruction worse then hurricane andrew.... FUCKING DOUCHETASTIC... gotta love toddlers.

So we finally find a parking spot, untangle the passengers and leash up the devil child. We walk. So far all was well. A couple with a stroller walk by saying how much they wish their little booger faced spawn would walk so nicely with a leash. I just smile condescendingly.

The van store. All starts off well. I point out some shoes to my manchild brother and he refuses. Being difficult and a hipster is his forte. Grayson runs yelling ANNNDUUU ANNNDUUU and we

Hot dogs. Sounds like a good idea since no one has eaten and the man children weigh about 50 pounds if you smush them on the scale together. Thats when g gets restless. Waiting for some pimple faced kid to dish out 4 hot dogs and 4 drinks for almost 30 dollars was time consuming. He wanted to walk! We get them, he screams, we sit, he eats, sucks down moms lemonade and we continue. Yep lemonade. Home made... extra sugar.... fml.

Next we hit the pretzel place. Is this seriously how we are shopping? Yes i would like to spend 50
dollars on a brand new fat roll please. And add some salt and extra sugar to my toddler please. Grayson, there, throws his first full body spasm fit. My mom is holding him and people are staring. The shrill screaming coming from such a little body is quite amazing. How can you not stare?? Ugh.... ok moving on. And avoiding ice cream and doughnuts of course, we decide to send andrew to journeys and hit the childrens place. ACTIVATE MELTDOWN IN 5, 4, 3.....

Ahhh the childrens place. I can spend a good 45 min in there every trip. But my mother is already at her limit and totally regretting ever spending countless skype time yelling at me for scolding my "sweet little innocent baby". Oh dear mother, welcome to my world. At this point i have picked up about 50 dollars worth of summer clothes and I am trying to decide on a swim combo. Monkeys or dogs? Hmmmm... they are both cute. I hear something distracting me though. Its the familiar sound of my other talking through her teeth... hehehehe.

"Grayson... get up... right now.... NOWWW". I at this point see an opportunity. Hmmm.... sweet little boy mom? I run away for a moment. And then wait for my mom to be around a few other people. Grayson is on his leash... and all fours. I walk up to him and kneel down. Petting his head and complementing the "woman" on her cute little dog. I also throw in a few barks and tell her "how sweet her little baby is". I am pretty sure i saw tears of embarrassment lol. We pay... and leave. My mother now holding grayson and complaining of back pain. Lol. Oh mother... wipe the sweat from your brow. We can meet manchildren at journeys.... but first....

American eagle. I needed to get J a few things for his birthday also. So we make an unexpected stop
in american eagle so i can surf the sale racks. We walk in and she immediately protests another clothing store, followed by my devil spawn throwing his body into spasms while in her arms. Double hehehe's come from me. And i do what i do best. I threw the leash at her and ran. Pretty sure she died a little inside bahahahaha,

We make it to journeys, andrew buys way over priced shoes. Grayson throws some things on the ground and we pile back into the extremely hot truck. Annoyed... not done shopping, and sweaty as hell in mere april.

This is what an outing is like for me on a daily. My mother thinks he is a sweet innocent little baby, i think this trip has changed her opinion forever. Good job little chunk, you will soon be known as little devil... and gogo will be buying you less presents for the rest of your life! LMAO