Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Is this a phase? Why the fuck does my kid think throwing his body to the ground and yelling "mommmmy mommmmy" will somehow get me to change my mind? "Oh... you are on the ground screaming mommy? Ok... go ahead and stay outside alone, you are almost 2. I bet you can handle it..." Um NO....

The best had to be the other day at the Outlet mall lol. Of course my mother is here visiting and we decided we needed to get some things from the outlet mall. Pretty much shoes for my spoiled man-child brother, and some stuff for Js bday.

Now mind you, I drive a very small truck. In fact, it has a "half backseat". Whos fucking bright idea
was that btw? No one fits on the half back seat, and the car seat is questionable. Not to mention the fact that my kid can pull my hair and kick my spleen through a seat, at the same time. So we have a  small truck, a carseat, and 2 adults plus 2 man children. Fun shit right?

After we shove everyone in, and are at the light to turn in, i have a revaluation. THE STROLLER. WE EFFIN FORGOT THE DAM MUNCHKIN STRAIGHT JACKET! Now my nerves are completely shot. I have his leash but I know how well that works. Gray will walk just fine on his "monkey leash". But he will only walk the way he wants, and leave a path of destruction worse then hurricane andrew.... FUCKING DOUCHETASTIC... gotta love toddlers.

So we finally find a parking spot, untangle the passengers and leash up the devil child. We walk. So far all was well. A couple with a stroller walk by saying how much they wish their little booger faced spawn would walk so nicely with a leash. I just smile condescendingly.

The van store. All starts off well. I point out some shoes to my manchild brother and he refuses. Being difficult and a hipster is his forte. Grayson runs yelling ANNNDUUU ANNNDUUU and we

Hot dogs. Sounds like a good idea since no one has eaten and the man children weigh about 50 pounds if you smush them on the scale together. Thats when g gets restless. Waiting for some pimple faced kid to dish out 4 hot dogs and 4 drinks for almost 30 dollars was time consuming. He wanted to walk! We get them, he screams, we sit, he eats, sucks down moms lemonade and we continue. Yep lemonade. Home made... extra sugar.... fml.

Next we hit the pretzel place. Is this seriously how we are shopping? Yes i would like to spend 50
dollars on a brand new fat roll please. And add some salt and extra sugar to my toddler please. Grayson, there, throws his first full body spasm fit. My mom is holding him and people are staring. The shrill screaming coming from such a little body is quite amazing. How can you not stare?? Ugh.... ok moving on. And avoiding ice cream and doughnuts of course, we decide to send andrew to journeys and hit the childrens place. ACTIVATE MELTDOWN IN 5, 4, 3.....

Ahhh the childrens place. I can spend a good 45 min in there every trip. But my mother is already at her limit and totally regretting ever spending countless skype time yelling at me for scolding my "sweet little innocent baby". Oh dear mother, welcome to my world. At this point i have picked up about 50 dollars worth of summer clothes and I am trying to decide on a swim combo. Monkeys or dogs? Hmmmm... they are both cute. I hear something distracting me though. Its the familiar sound of my other talking through her teeth... hehehehe.

"Grayson... get up... right now.... NOWWW". I at this point see an opportunity. Hmmm.... sweet little boy mom? I run away for a moment. And then wait for my mom to be around a few other people. Grayson is on his leash... and all fours. I walk up to him and kneel down. Petting his head and complementing the "woman" on her cute little dog. I also throw in a few barks and tell her "how sweet her little baby is". I am pretty sure i saw tears of embarrassment lol. We pay... and leave. My mother now holding grayson and complaining of back pain. Lol. Oh mother... wipe the sweat from your brow. We can meet manchildren at journeys.... but first....

American eagle. I needed to get J a few things for his birthday also. So we make an unexpected stop
in american eagle so i can surf the sale racks. We walk in and she immediately protests another clothing store, followed by my devil spawn throwing his body into spasms while in her arms. Double hehehe's come from me. And i do what i do best. I threw the leash at her and ran. Pretty sure she died a little inside bahahahaha,

We make it to journeys, andrew buys way over priced shoes. Grayson throws some things on the ground and we pile back into the extremely hot truck. Annoyed... not done shopping, and sweaty as hell in mere april.

This is what an outing is like for me on a daily. My mother thinks he is a sweet innocent little baby, i think this trip has changed her opinion forever. Good job little chunk, you will soon be known as little devil... and gogo will be buying you less presents for the rest of your life! LMAO

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Its been a while....

I have not blogged in so long that it feels foreign. Between baby sitting and watching 2 toddlers and also my call of duty addiction time seems to be running low for publishing irrelevant blurbs on the internet. Not much has changed in the past few months. Still enjoying my son, enjoying our new house, and hating republicans lol.

The newest issue being for gay rights. Why are these even issues? It will never seize to amaze me on why people give a crap whether others are happy and in love. I mean are you really that homophobic? The amount of people i know who are uneducated on politics scares me. Yes they have an opinion on mainstream issues, but to them, they are not political lol. Ok... however you want to see it is fine by me. But when it comes to politics in America, i see them as
issues for every single citizen. Especially civil rights. Anyways....

I have also had some recent updates on "Ned" lol. Seems he is back into drugs publicly, resulting in surgery for an infection in his arm. To quote him "Yea so what, after 6 years i relapsed". Um... really ned? 6 years... or six minutes? I don't know if any of his adult life has ever been sober. He also explained why nedalla makes him so very happy. Why you ask? Because he doesn't have to lie to her. She condones all his actions. Including the two most recent felonies. In which i have a feeling any lovin she will be posting on her facebook status updates will be conjugal visits... for Ned will be back in prison before you know it. Its just so sad... how can someone you planned to make a life with end up being such a scum bag. eww.

I have come to the conclusion that like nedella and ned, some people just do not strive to do good. They have no morals and are chemically fucked in the head. I believe everyone makes mistakes. I live my life by the judgement of 2 people alone. No not god.Im not Sarah Palin. I live by the judgment of my son, and myself. I want to be a person i can be proud of. I want to be a person that my son can look up to. I  want him to spend his  NOT high and drunk, simply because he doesn't want to disappoint his mother. Now mind you he is only almost 2, and i have quite a while before those are my worries. But for now, I'm installing as many morals as i can in him. Truthfully how many of you can say you have never lied, never cheated, never bragged, never hurt someones feelings. Some of you may have even stolen or ripped someone off, even broke the law.. But at the end of the day, you feel guilt and pain and strive for better. That's part of growing up and becoming someone you want to see in the mirror. So i hope everyone can make a concious effort to admit, "hey im not perfect" ... but at the same time to be able to say "hey, i try to be a honest, good, law abiding person." lol Wishful thinking!

Rearing children has to be one of the most controversial debates around. There is always someone who believe their child can do no wrong. Or beats some sense into their kid. Or smothers them with love. Then there are some people who grasp from each parenting basket and form their own methods. Either way.... remember when you are done with that child, the rest of us have to put up with them and their behavior. I wonder if neds mother feels like a failure. She does have 2 children on drugs and another void of any emotion what so ever. Please... if there is a strange bearded man in the sky deciding my fate... don't let me be like her!

In other news, my mommy is coming for a visit. And i can not wait to see her. Even though we skype and talk everyday, there is nothing like having your mommy right there in person. To argue with and scream at... resulting in hugs and her im sorry's lmao.  I hope grayson always feels the sameone day.i miss her being around.

So not much to write about lately.... since i ridded myself of mommy board drama, fake friends, and creepy druggy exes, life is simply, purely, wonderfully, boring. Makes for a happy girl... and a boring blog ;)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

What is wrong with our society?

Since when did people stop raising their children? Since when did morals become replaced with religion and guns? Since when did the safety of children need to be defended by armed guards?

Our society is so disgusting. Sometimes just my facebook news feed can scare me enough to lock my front door. I never knew how much danger lurked within people you know. Drug dealers, drug users, religious fanatics, and right wing activists scare me. Whether it be gay marriage, gun laws, or wayward teenagers, some people are clueless band wagoners. Wake up and inform yourselves people... because it gets tiring correcting all of your babble. When did just being a good person, and not injuring other people (verbally or physically) become far, and few between.

I just wanted to go to the county fair. I should be able to do so without fear of gang violence. Someone decided to take that right from me, yet they did so while boasting THEIR RIGHT to the second amendment. Currently via social media, there is a picture of a memo floating around to local law enforcement stating a threat on our fair with gun violence. Why would this be ok? Who is lacking morals so badly, and so full of evil they would want to harm strangers in a petting zoo? The fair is a place to take small children to make memories, not to wear their first bullet proof vest. You should be able to ride the ring of fire, without fear of gun fire. You should be able to eat a greasy sandwich without fear of a knuckle sandwich, or pistol pudding. Since when were the cheap rides not your biggest fear at the fair?

I guess being anti-gun, pro-gay, and almost communist can leave you questioning the hate in others. Who is raising such horrible children? What exactly are they putting in the milk? Who cares about little girls with boobies at 12.. I am more worried about little boys with guns and bandanna's.

No matter what anyone has to say about the right to spout off hate at the mouth, shoot polar bears, or condemn people on government assistance, I will never change my outlook on life. The outlook of bettering this country for my child to grow up in. For continuing the war on drugs, and or the fight for equality. Does this make me a bad person? My beliefs are different than yours, so obviously  I am the issue right? If so, I would get out the mirror, a bible, and the daily show and revise your morals accordingly.

My brother showed me a "tweet" that was posted by another high school student claiming to be the one who placed the threat to the fair. This "tweeter" found this amusing? How sad for his parents. To think your child could be out there right now, making false threats to the police, and joking about gun violence after our nations random shooting history, is sick and pathetic. Is this how the bible raised your child? And the biggest laugh comes from the fact that we allowed this child's parents to get married and procreate a little monster, but god forbid 2 men should marry and mind their own fucking business.

I can only hope to be there to monitor all I can for my child, but in good faith not need to. To hope he is raised to love people equally, not judge others, and have the morals of his liberal mother. Having morals does not benefit others, it benefits you. And seriously I am starting to wonder if they should make a "pill" for that. I mean, they have a pill for erectile dysfunction but nothing for a "lack of empathy". Maybe some one should get on that.. pronto. Or maybe parents need to go back to giving their kids a "good old fashion,passionate, ass whoopin". Please parents.. raise your children right, because the saying is true. Society has to deal with them when you are done.

So I guess I will be visiting the fair, with hopes of only damaging my arteries with fair food and not bullet holes. Fingers crossed right?

Peace, Love, and gun regulations from president Obama bitchez !!

Ps- my thoughts on gun laws, gay marriage, and women's rights go far beyond this post... this post is about wanting to go to the fair. Please, by all means, do not comment if you are in need of an education... because you better be your bridges sonny that I can go all day long ;)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Ned comes back from the dead...ugh

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy. And the boy met drugs. Her life was ruined... But she moved on and left him in the bottle. "Why wont he stay there?" The girl asked. No one answered her, but she understood, there was no answer. The girl downloaded an android app, put him on call block, and went on with her life. But not before she blogged first. The end.


I really hope its the end. How much Bs can on drug addict cause in my life? I know the answer to this question! "As much as I allow him to." Which is exactly why I decided to put him on call block.

The recent actions of "Ned". (for those of you newbies it is an acronym for 'needs everyday drugs' and refers to my ex of 10 years) Ugh, so anyways I truly had thought my text battles with him were over. I had never been happier to see the words "dont text 'our' call me ever again", as I was during the text battle back in November. But for some reason, Ned always knows when things get rough, he can push a few of my buttons, and relieve some stress in ex-relationship combat. Why do I always give in? Is it because I know I am better then him, and possibly enjoy it just as well as he does? Or maybe that I know when it comes to Ned I will always be right? Do I still care about his well being, Or does he just piss me the fuck off? Maybe its one or all of those things. But last night I finally did it. I can be captain save-an-addict.. I finally blocked his ass from my life. And seriously, No joke... I feel more mature already.

Sometimes its SO hard to let go of the past. To not be involved, or even informed, about someone you once cared SO much for. But when it comes to Ned, I just cant handle ALL THAT CRAZY. He seriously is the painted picture of "bradenton roxy addict". The people with disgusting mood swings, dishonest words, and thievery. I used to think he was a good person with a sickness. But now I know, he is too far gone. He was terminal when we were together, and his soul died shortly after. It just makes me sad.

Do people really ever have a good relationship with their ex? I mean an actual friendship? Will there not always be a jealous new significant other, spiteful blame, child support battle, or broken promise? I don't think I know anyone who just decided they would break up and stay friends. Why? Why are people even apt to having a long term relationship after they have been burned so badly? Maybe we are all co-dependant. Maybe society pushes into our heads that we need to couple up and mate. Lol. But seriously, I don't know if I believe in "true love" or "love at first sight" anymore. I believe in trust,loyalty, and lust. But if any of that dies, or is broken, just move on. Because there is no recovering.

I hate having learned what I have, but at least I will never have to go through it again or put my child through it. Me and J have many issues, but our fights are mild. Fighting with j is like being armed with a marsh mellow gun. Fighting with Ned required an automatic weapon. J's lies are on the same lines of "no you don't look fat in those jeans baby!" as opposed to Ned's "No I didn't steal 300 dollars off your debit card, I only pawned our DVDs" . No matter what J throws my way, I never wake up feeling like an abused, white trash chick, in a wife beater. I guess I just wish friends would listen when I try to explain to them exactly what drugs can do to people and relationships... even if you are not the one addicted to them, and just addicted to the person who is.

So today will be a brand new day. I will pack up that wife beater ...maybe even burn it. I will try my hardest to give extra love to J, kiss my sweet baby, and be thankful for my little life. And lastly, continue to pray that friends will be wise instead of smart. For a wise woman learns from others mistakes, not their own.

Peace, love, and call block readers!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

28 going on 18...

Its been a while since my last blog. Trying to be a grown up is hard work lol... We finally moved into our new house...and I love it. But there is one huge issue.. we may be in over our heads.

Bills. They fucking suck. I know its a part of life, but life sucks too. When exactly did I get old? I know being 28 is not exactly old per say... But honestly, its a horrible in between age. Where shopping in the juniors section is embarrassing, and shopping in the misses is hysterical. Why is there no in between?

I guess I just do not realize that I am "no spring chicken". My body and mind have matured, but has my maturity matured? I know I am a completely different person than I was at 18. I believe I change more and more with each passing month. I am a great, and loving mother. In fact, that may be all I ever achieve. If so, I am OK with that. I have learned a sense of loyalty and friendship though out the years. And my sense in family grows greater with each passing day. So much, i wonder how one small organ can hold so much love. I mean, I love my family with all my heart, but my gut is bigger. Love really should come from the stomach lol.

So, why do I not feel my age? Other then creaks and cracks from my bones, I dont feel older mentally. I go places, and see young people, and don't feel much different then them. But tonight, after cooking dinner,sitting down with my family for a meal, and then cleaning up afterwards... I felt domesticated. Now, that word is totally not negative to me... but its definitely a feeling. I know I am on the right path while feeling it. But what if I am doing it wrong? What if I am aging wrong?

My parents had me young, but as a child I would have never known any different. Both my mother and father have always had a strong sense of responsibility... well at least when I was a child. ;) As I sit and look over my finances... I realize how much they had given me. I never knew what it was to worry about money. The electricity.. well it was just there. The water... it ran. I never even knew there was a possibility these things could be turned off. A bill? What the fuck was that?

As I grew older, and things well... fell apart. The money was never an issue. Even if it was, I didn't know about it. I can only hope, with the way things are going for my little family, Grayson grows up the same way. Having that sense of safety with your parents should always be an important issue with children. No matter what, to this day, I know my parents will protect me anyway they can. Regardless of my choices, actions, or mistakes. I like to believe they have a respect for my efforts and out of this a friendship has grown. Maybe I am wrong... If so... don't tell me guys lol.

Now I ponder what makes us feel old? Not old old.. but... our age? Is it work? Is it children or marriage? I mean, exactly when do you start to feel like an adult and not a teenager playing house?? I guess it must be one of those things you ponder until, you well, don't.

So from now on ... I will continue to search for whatever will make me feel safe. I did that for so long with my ex, Ned. And even then I could see our issues so clearly. His drug addiction. Now... whats the issue? Is there one? Are these normal struggles? Am I sooo used to being with an addict, that even when I find a great partner, and have a beautiful son, my neuroses will come back to bite me in the ass? Or maybe, I am pushing too hard and not taking the time to sit back and enjoy? We always seem to "want more more more".

Whatever happened to just being happy. Not always achieving high expectations. Just getting a job, having a family, and making every day matter. I look around, and see so much competition. Everyone wants the best and the most. Does anyone ever just stop and be thankful for what they have? Do you need to spend 10 years of your life in college and then 20 years working 40 hour weeks to achieve 4 laptops, a mansion, 2 new cars and an iphone? What the fuck ever happened to family dinners? Going on field trips with your children's school? Having less then 100 presents under a tree at Christmas, but still being super excited? Greed. Our nation is so full of greed, so much that we judge others who care less about material things, and more about family and friends... Odd.

I am not about to become Amish. But I do believe I will stop trying to over achieve, while wasting valuable time with my family. I want to be comfortable, but not rich. Those goals are not for everyone, and hell... I have realized... I am not special.

Not special. Not a spring chicken. Not alone. Not ugly. Not scared. Those are things I need to remember. Maybe write them down ... take a picture. Maybe even a picture of myself holding a sticky note. Maybe, even 30 of myself, holding a sticky note, with a duck face,in THE BATHROOM MIRROR and share them to face book. Just for my haters ;) I am seriously  annoyed with the feeling that I need to please people i seriously don give a fuck about.

So right now I need a job, I need strength, and I need security. But only I can achieve those things for myself. Those are 3 things that no one can give you. But I guess that's part of being a grown up. As my child and hubby sleep, I will sit here searching away on our one lap top. In our little home. With one used car parked in the drive way, and think of ways to be a grown up. But no matter what i change... I am NOT shopping in the misses section.... Good night all :)