Bills. They fucking suck. I know its a part of life, but life sucks too. When exactly did I get old? I know being 28 is not exactly old per say... But honestly, its a horrible in between age. Where shopping in the juniors section is embarrassing, and shopping in the misses is hysterical. Why is there no in between?
I guess I just do not realize that I am "no spring chicken". My body and mind have matured, but has my maturity matured? I know I am a completely different person than I was at 18. I believe I change more and more with each passing month. I am a great, and loving mother. In fact, that may be all I ever achieve. If so, I am OK with that. I have learned a sense of loyalty and friendship though out the years. And my sense in family grows greater with each passing day. So much, i wonder how one small organ can hold so much love. I mean, I love my family with all my heart, but my gut is bigger. Love really should come from the stomach lol.
So, why do I not feel my age? Other then creaks and cracks from my bones, I dont feel older mentally. I go places, and see young people, and don't feel much different then them. But tonight, after cooking dinner,sitting down with my family for a meal, and then cleaning up afterwards... I felt domesticated. Now, that word is totally not negative to me... but its definitely a feeling. I know I am on the right path while feeling it. But what if I am doing it wrong? What if I am aging wrong?
My parents had me young, but as a child I would have never known any different. Both my mother and father have always had a strong sense of responsibility... well at least when I was a child. ;) As I sit and look over my finances... I realize how much they had given me. I never knew what it was to worry about money. The electricity.. well it was just there. The water... it ran. I never even knew there was a possibility these things could be turned off. A bill? What the fuck was that?
As I grew older, and things well... fell apart. The money was never an issue. Even if it was, I didn't know about it. I can only hope, with the way things are going for my little family, Grayson grows up the same way. Having that sense of safety with your parents should always be an important issue with children. No matter what, to this day, I know my parents will protect me anyway they can. Regardless of my choices, actions, or mistakes. I like to believe they have a respect for my efforts and out of this a friendship has grown. Maybe I am wrong... If so... don't tell me guys lol.
Now I ponder what makes us feel old? Not old old.. but... our age? Is it work? Is it children or marriage? I mean, exactly when do you start to feel like an adult and not a teenager playing house?? I guess it must be one of those things you ponder until, you well, don't.
So from now on ... I will continue to search for whatever will make me feel safe. I did that for so long with my ex, Ned. And even then I could see our issues so clearly. His drug addiction. Now... whats the issue? Is there one? Are these normal struggles? Am I sooo used to being with an addict, that even when I find a great partner, and have a beautiful son, my neuroses will come back to bite me in the ass? Or maybe, I am pushing too hard and not taking the time to sit back and enjoy? We always seem to "want more more more".
Not special. Not a spring chicken. Not alone. Not ugly. Not scared. Those are things I need to remember. Maybe write them down ... take a picture. Maybe even a picture of myself holding a sticky note. Maybe, even 30 of myself, holding a sticky note, with a duck face,in THE BATHROOM MIRROR and share them to face book. Just for my haters ;) I am seriously annoyed with the feeling that I need to please people i seriously don give a fuck about.
So right now I need a job, I need strength, and I need security. But only I can achieve those things for myself. Those are 3 things that no one can give you. But I guess that's part of being a grown up. As my child and hubby sleep, I will sit here searching away on our one lap top. In our little home. With one used car parked in the drive way, and think of ways to be a grown up. But no matter what i change... I am NOT shopping in the misses section.... Good night all :)